This experience has taught me strength, and to trust that even though we may be experiencing one of the biggest storms of our lives, a rainbow is always around the corner.
After getting married in January 2020 to my now husband, surviving Melbourne’s extreme lockdowns together and adopting our Labrador Luna during the COVID-19 pandemic, we decided to embark on the journey of parenthood in 2021. I first came off contraception in February 2021, feeling very bright eyed and confident about conceiving a child. However, my period and regular menstrual cycle was non-existent.
Six months passed, and then a year without a period - negative pregnancy and ovulation tests made it clear that I wasn’t ovulating. After seeing two fertility doctors who offered solutions in fertility treatments, my period finally reappeared in June 2022, about a year and a half after coming off contraception. Overjoyed at this, we decided to try conceiving naturally. Two months later, I finally got those two lines I had been waiting for, I was pregnant! My husband and I were ecstatic, our prayers had finally been answered. We announced our pregnancy to some close family members, thinking I was about 7-8 weeks along.
About a month later, I experienced some light spotting, and became extremely anxious. I called the obstetrician I was planning on seeing, and was advised by the midwife it was nothing to worry about. The days went on, and the bleeding got heavier. I again called the doctor’s office and was directed to a midwife, who advised they couldn’t see me as it was too early in my pregnancy and I’d have to go to my GP. I rang my GP, and got a referral for an ultrasound to check that the baby was ok. I went to the ultrasound clinic where I learned that the baby was around 5-6 weeks with a viable heartbeat. I was so relieved. The bleeding hadn’t stopped but my outlook was positive.
Three days later, I was working from home and started feeling this intense abdominal pain, which seemed to just get worse. I called my husband and said I might need to go to a hospital, the bleeding and pain was so bad. The pain eventually passed, and I called another doctor I had found, who said there was a good chance I had just experienced a miscarriage, to rest and to wait a couple of days before having another ultrasound. A couple of days later, the ultrasound confirmed my worst fears- there was no sac and no embryo, just an empty womb.
My heart was broken, I couldn’t stop crying. My doctor called me that night after receiving the ultrasound results and helped console me and navigate next steps. The next few days were a blur, but I was so thankful to have the support of my wonderful husband and family. I found that as I started telling friends when I was comfortable to, not many people knew what to say or how to say it. I found that the immense pain I was feeling was often not recognised or validated, or given the same importance as any other traumatic event.
Over the next few months I suffered feelings I hadn’t before- anxiety, depression, crying at random times. I saw a therapist to help get through my grief, and it took as long as 6 months to feel somewhat normal again. Seven months after my miscarriage, I fell pregnant, and although I was very excited, feeling very blessed and thankful, I didn’t allow myself to feel the joy I had felt the first time, which I sometimes feel guilty about now. Fast forward four months, I am now 20 weeks along and enjoying every minute of being pregnant. I’m finally excited to tell people about it, and I’m in a good place. This experience has taught me strength, and to trust that even though we may be experiencing one of the biggest storms of our lives, a rainbow is always around the corner.