After losing 3 babies to early miscarriages, and each time realising just how taboo the subject was I went looking for others who had gone through similar experiences.
I found talking openly about it helped my mental health immensely. The other men and women I spoke to agreed we need to open up the conversation. I don’t think anyone should feel alone in this so I’d like to help if I can.
After my first (EPL)miscarriage I had no idea what was going on, who to talk to, why it happened and where to go from there. Then I realised there wasn’t really anyone to talk to, or anyone who didn’t flinch at the mention of a miscarriage. Medically I was told ‘Sometimes it just happens’ others said things like: ‘at least…’ or ‘your exercising too much…’ or ‘you can try again…’ Fair enough they don’t know what to say and I did have an Amazing partner and GP that looked after me, BUT I was alone in my head and in my body. I felt like it was my fault, my body had failed its main purpose and I was less of a woman. This is how I thought at the time and this is how many other women feel too. I had no idea just how many other women felt like this until my journey continued. Second (EPL) miscarriage was more traumatic, mentally and physically. I began to look for answers, had tests done, everything was ‘fine,’ went online and searched for anything that might put my mind at ease. (Google can sometimes be detrimental, BEWARE!)
The third time we tried we had hormonal support meds and regular HCG level checks, regular doctor check ups but we lost this baby too. I was just about ready to quit. I felt like my body wasn’t going to give me a baby.
During a break from trying and more online searching, for something, I’m not even sure if I was looking for answers or looking for someone who could relate - I found a friend, someone I knew, I saw almost everyday at the gym, turned out she was going through the same thing, we talked about it. Never planned to talk about it but we would see each other at the gym and just talk. It helped so much. When we talked we discussed how it was such a taboo subject yet we both clearly needed to talk about it. We decided to start a support group in our small town, first on social media then we met as a group, we had a Coffee for a Cause morning meet up through The Pink Elephants Network. It was overwhelming how many women (men were also invited) came and shared their stories. We cried and laughed together, shared advice and swore a lot. It was so good and so sad. We have since had 2 more meetings and we talk in our online group. It has brought people from all ages and walks of life together in a common bond. Even people who didn’t come to the meetings have spoken to me when I see them or messaged me privately.
I am now a Peer support companion for the Pink Elephants network, I don’t want anyone to feel alone in this battle, we need to help each other and keep on striving to do it on a wider scale.
By the time we had set up our group we had had our little boy rainbow baby. I still think about the three babies we lost and I see the world changing, support is getting better and we are talking but we have so much work to do for the people out there who need support after losing their babies.