We never thought we'd struggle to get pregnant. But we did. For years.
Finally after some help from a gynaecologist, we finally fell pregnant with our first and long awaited baby.
I passed all my exams and was working very hard in my job as a Paediatric doctor. At just over 21 weeks I had a concealed bleed and had to go on to bedrest. Close to 22 weeks, I went into labour and delivered a beautiful baby boy who weighed under 300g; too small and too early to resuscitate. He was alive for just over an hour before he slipped away. It completely broke me.
I had been working as a Paediatric doctor for years and struggled to return to work.
Working in Paediatrics was already challenging because our journey to conception was so hard, but after losing a baby, the thought of attending deliveries brought so much pain. I struggled to return to work, and for many years I couldn’t go back to attending births.
During this time, I worked in clinics and non maternity wards seeing children, while we were back trying to conceive. After many embryo transfers - most which didn't stick, and a 6 week miscarriage, we fell pregnant with our rainbow baby. It was a very smooth pregnancy medically, but I was an emotional wreck.
We had a planned caesar at 37 weeks wanting a controlled and calm delivery to help with my anxiety during the pregnancy. Then a pandemic happened. Luckily my husband was able to attend the birth and everything went smoothly. We couldn't have any visitors on the ward, and barely anyone at our home for 8 months. While it was a time of uncertainty in the world, it was exactly what we needed. Finally we could breathe.
When our daughter was one year old we went back to IVF because we didn’t know how long it would take. A few failed cycles later we fell pregnant. With twins! Having worked in Neonatal Intensive Care and Special Care Nurseries, I knew the potential complications of multiples, but I tried to be positive and things were going smoothly. At 20 weeks we were told one twin stopped growing and to prepare for the worst. We had twice weekly scans and at every scan we didn’t know what to expect.
She held on until 29 weeks when I developed severe pre eclampsia. A few days later I went on to develop HELLP syndrome with liver failure and dangerously high blood pressure, and had to have an emergency Caesar overnight.
We spent 3.5 months in hospital, our smaller twin (born at just over 600g) came home with a long term nasogastric tube and we had a rough year with medical issues with both the girls. But that now feels like a distant memory now 4 years and 2 years old and doing very well! Our hearts are full, but there is always an emptiness for our boy.
Managing grief, loss and working with children after losing a child, brought so many challenges. It has taken me 7 years to be able to speak about it publicly. After saying it out aloud for the first time as the graduate speaker when I finished my Paediatrics training, I had so many graduating Paediatricians, and new Paediatric trainees tell me how inspiring it was to hear my story; how it resonated with them in some way. I truly realised the impact of hearing what others have been through and what a difference it can make.
It's ok to not be ok. But you don't have to be 'not ok' on your own.
Connect with Dr Nelu via Instagram @dr_nelu_simonsz
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For those currently struggling with the pain of miscarriage or early pregnancy loss, Pink Elephants offers a range of support online and over the phone.
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