When I first fell pregnant at 32, I was so excited and in absolute awe of what my body had been able to create. I’d always been told from a young age that I’d have trouble falling pregnant. I had what the medical profession deemed an atypical cycle (longer than 28 days and often 33 or 36 days) so falling pregnant somewhat easily seemed like an absolute blessing. Unfortunately though, this excitement was short lived and at about 6 – 7 weeks I started to bleed. I went in for a scan and was told there was no heartbeat and that I was experiencing a miscarriage.
I bled heavily for almost 2 weeks on and off and then finally about a week and a half in I heard the dreaded plop into the toilet bowl as I finally passed the pregnancy sac. Looking back on these 2 weeks, I’m not sure how I managed to go through it all while also going to work each day and trying to push past the emotional side of what was happening to me.
After the miscarriage had passed, I tried my best to return to “normal life” and we filled it in with things like buying our first home - and a puppy. Then in August (6 months later), I found out I was pregnant again. This time wasn’t like the last time though, I felt scared and uncertain but was luckily preoccupied by a boisterous puppy.
Despite this, nothing could have prepared me for the devastating news we received at our 7 week scan; there was no heartbeat and it was believed the baby had stopped growing as the dates of my last period and the expected size of the fetus didn’t match. While the clinic were reasonably certain in their diagnosis, they asked me to come back a week later for another scan. That week was excruciatingly painful not completely knowing what I was preparing myself for – another miscarriage or a possible miracle.
Unfortunately though the second scan news wasn’t good either and the clinic now cited a missed miscarriage and suggested I book in for a D&C to have the pregnancy removed or alternatively, wait and eventually the pregnancy would terminate itself.
I decided to wait and this went on to be one of the hardest months of my life; knowing I was carrying something inside me that would never eventuate and waiting to see if it would terminate on its own.
When I eventually did miscarry at about 11 – 12 weeks (I was booked in for a D&C the next day), I couldn’t have prepared myself for the pain that I would experience or the amount of tissue I would pass in a few hours. At one point during the passing, my now fiancé was ready to call an ambulance as I was completely out of it and lying on the floor as white as a ghost.
It was now late September and I tried once again to return to “normal” life. This time however, I don’t think I actually ever did; I had experienced so much emotional pain and was completely sick with grief that I was no longer able to cope. I stopped going on social media to avoid seeing all the baby celebrations on Facebook, I stopped attending larger or new social gatherings as I just didn’t feel myself, I completely put my business on hold as putting myself out there just seemed way too hard (plus that meant social media time that I just couldn’t handle anyway) and I started a casual job in fashion (something I loved) to stop me from spending so much time alone (I had been self employed in a mostly home based business).
This pain continued into the next year (2019) as we started trying again; all I wanted was to be pregnant again and I thought that if it happened, I would finally be okay again. Unfortunately though this wasn’t to be and in June (9 months after the second miscarriage); I reached out to the medical profession once again.
In speaking with my doctor, I wasn’t quite ready to see a fertility specialist so I was referred to a gynaecologist/obstetrician who advised I wasn’t ovulating and requested monitoring of my bloods twice per month over the next 3 cycles.
Desperate for answers and being an advocate for natural/alternative therapies (after using this to treat depression and anxiety 8 years earlier) the next week I scheduled an appointment with Jess, an acupuncturist and the darkness I was experiencing started to get a little brighter.
Over the past 3+ months that I have been seeing Jess (that’s only been almost 2 and a bit cycles for me), she has taught me so much about my body and my cycle, helped me to recognize my emotional state and the fact that I wasn’t coping and begin to release the grief that had been holding me back from moving forward. Plus for the first time, since my miscarriages, my cycle actually seems to be returning to what is normal for me; 36 days, minimal spotting mid cycle and due to temperature tracking, even a possible ovulation date. I can honestly say this women has been such a bright light for me in a dark room and has given me so much love and support even when it feels as though some of those around me have forgotten. I especially look forward to our appointments every week and the take home books she gives me.
As I write this, I’m hoping for a BFP but even if I don’t get that this cycle I know I’m going to be okay with that as Jess (as well as all the love and support my fiance has given me) has helped pull me out of my dark hole and has helped me to start to feel inspired and ready to conquer the world again.
If there is anything that this whole experience has taught me it has been that you need a personal cheerleader (as well as your life partner if you have one) in your corner to help you cope; someone who will check in on you every week and ask ARE YOU OKAY? For me, that person has been Jess and to her I will be forever grateful.