I didn’t want children for a very long time and just thought it wasn’t in my life plan. Then at 32, I met the love of my life and by 36 I decided I was ready for children. We got pregnant on our second try and were both over the moon it happened so easily, but then around 6 weeks the bleeding started. I was so scared and confused as this was all so new to me.
I called my friend who had previously had a miscarriage and she knew what was happening and had to guide me through it. I was absolutely devastated as after not wanting children for so long and finally deciding to have them, this was how our journey started. The pain, emptiness and grief I felt was horrible and I felt so numb.
We got straight into trying again when we were able to and fell pregnant on the first try. Pregnancy was hard for me because I have depression and anxiety and was on constant edge that I would miscarry again. Thankfully we didn’t and although the birth wasn’t ideal we got our beautiful baby boy Javier. He is almost 2 now.
We recently got married and decided to wait until after the wedding to try. I now wish we didn’t.
Again it didn’t take long to fall pregnant and we were over the moon but again at 6 weeks and 3 days before Christmas I miscarried. This time I knew what was happening and thought since I have had one already it would be easier. It was harder. Not only was the pain much worse than the first, the emotional sadness I went through was awful. I couldn’t believe I was having another one. I thought since I had already had one It wouldn’t happen again.
We tried again straight away and got pregnant on the second try. This time I knew it would be fine. I just had it in my head and for some reason knew it was a girl. My mindset was different and I was so positive even my husband commented but when the blood started to come on my 38th birthday, I went completely numb and this was only 3 days ago.
I am still in shock and finding this amazing place where women can support one another has helped me immensely. My husband, family and friends are there for me but not like the support I need. It’s hard to explain how sad you are when you weren’t “really pregnant” and people say well at least you can fall pregnant and you already have a bub. Yes they are all amazing things and I am truly blessed but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I’ve always wanted a large family but after 3 miscarriages I feel the fight getting just that little bit harder.
I went for a run today and it was a struggle. A woman tapped me on the shoulder running past me and smiled and said, “Keep going.” I’m a big believer in signs so I guess I’ll just keep going…
By, Lou
