I started following Pink Elephants right after my first miscarriage. I wanted to say thank you for creating a space that I could go to for knowledge, understanding and validation of how I was feeling.
My name is Hayley. I found out I was pregnant the night before I was due to have surgery to remove endometriosis. We had been trying to fall pregnant for about 7 months prior. It came as a complete, albeit wonderful surprise. I had followed the protocol for surgery preparation, and a feeling just washed over me and I felt the need to test. We were stunned. The next few hours were a whirlwind of emotions as we contacted the surgeon to cancel my surgery. We were in disbelief.
The pregnancy continued until I reached about the 6 week mark. I was at work and started to experience some bleeding and cramping. I knew something wasn’t right. I contacted my Doctor and I tried to convince myself it was implantation bleeding, I think in my heart I knew it wasn’t.
I continued to work through the day and when I got home in the evening, the pain had increased and so had the bleeding. My husband took me straight to the hospital and within the 5 minute drive and getting through the hospital doors, I wasn’t able to walk anymore due to the pain. We lost our baby that night.
I remember every detail of that excruciating experience. We were treated with such kindness and compassion, I can’t fault the doctors or nurses. That night was the first time I’d ever heard the statistics that 1 In 4 women experience miscarriage.
The weeks to follow were a blur, we experienced and felt all the emotions. A few months later, we took a trip to Queenstown in New Zealand to get away and to try and feel like ourselves again. Just days after we got back I found out I was pregnant again. We had mixed emotions, we were thrilled, but we were also very concerned. What if it happens again? Could it happen to us again?
The pregnancy seemed to progress. I felt differently this time. The main difference was I had no cramping or bleeding and we had reached the time where we could get our first scan. We were so excited to see that little heartbeat on the screen. In the back of our heads we had reservations but we did everything we could to remain positive.
The scan revealed that there was no embryo, but there was a sac. I was told maybe I had my dates wrong and it could’ve been too early to see anything. I knew then something was wrong. A week later we went back to have another scan. The words “I’m so sorry” are words I will never forget.
I had had an anembryonic pregnancy. The embryo had either never developed or it had stopped developing. However, the sac can continue to grow. Mine stopped growing but my body still thought I was pregnant. I spoke with my surgeon and I had my endometriosis surgery re booked for a few weeks time. I had surgery to remove the endo as well as a D&C.
The weeks to follow I focused on healing from the surgery. I was numb. I couldn’t bare to look at anyone that was pregnant, I could hardly be around children let alone even see them passing in the street. I isolated myself and I didn’t acknowledge the way I felt or the feelings I was suppressing. My heart was broken.
6 months on from our second miscarriage, our hearts are still heavy as we carry the grief and navigate this life we so wished happened differently for us. This experience has broken us.
Our family and friends have been a wonderful support to us and we are so grateful. We have come to realise there is a significant lack of awareness and education around managing a conversation about infertility and loss. Which is why we think it’s so important to share our story.
My husband and I take on everyday with hope and love as we await our miracle. In whatever way that works out for us, we know one day we will get our precious rainbow baby. Our thoughts are with everyone in the depths of grief and infertility. We send all our love and strength.