I was brushing my daughters hair and suddenly I felt a thud that literally took my breath away. I ran to the bathroom and there it was.
I’d been trying to get pregnant for 6 months and then suddenly there is was, two pink lines. The baby was due around my birthday. December of 2021. Filled with excitement, I shared the news with our families and held off telling our 4 year old daughter who we knew would be so overjoyed to have a sibling.
I had been working so hard on improving my health since COVID and credited that to being able to conceive. I was taking my vitamins and doing what I was suppose to do. We went for a walk one day around the Botanical gardens after receiving the good news of another successful GP visit and being in great health however, a cloudy urine sample was in the back of my mind.
That very evening I went to the bathroom and my heart sank. Red. I thought perhaps it was implantation bleeding and tried not to get myself worked up as I sat through my uni zoom and got dinner and ready The next day, we went to the emergency entrance at the hospital where the waiting game began. Every time I went to the bathroom, red. Every time I wiped, clots I think I was in denial. I had the kindest Midwife who was honest with me about what to expect and what to do.
I was asked to return two weeks later. It was the most heartbreaking two weeks of my life. The abdominal pain, the constant clots and bleeding. The waking up and night in hot sweats. Saving samples looking for *something*
On Mother’s Day, I was brushing my daughters hair and suddenly I felt a thud that literally took my breath away. I ran to the bathroom and there it was. I haven’t known grief like this before. I looked for answers everywhere. I bought a peace Lilly and planted the remains inside so that when it grew it still felt like my baby was with me. I took my time with healing and trying for another. I’m currently 34weeks pregnant and though I’m happy to be welcoming another blessing, the pain of the miscarriage is still with me and always will be.
- Mae