Dialog Box

The Pink Elephants Support Network

I’m from the 1%

I’m from the 1%

Now I’m not only 1 in 4 which is a really sad club to be part of but I’m also part of the 1% who has 3 miscarriages or more.

I have a daughter, a beautiful little girl who is 4 years old. Motherhood was difficult for us, we have no family in the country and we had no help from anyone. I got pregnant when she was 18 months, I got scared, we were panicking for a few days, then we decided that it was a blessing and we would make it work. 

That same day I started bleeding, my GP told me it was normal and it was going to be just a period, well it was not, it was the worst pain I have felt in my life, it was heartbreaking and the guilt set in me like a bad bacteria, years and years of therapy to forgive myself and work on the traumatizing experience. 

2 years later we tried again, I got pregnant, I didn’t bleed, I was taking my vitamins and everything was great, my 8 week scan came and we were so happy that I haven’t been bleeding, the person doing the scan just kept looking at the screen, moving the image really quick, until there I was still so naive. After a long time she said “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”, my life just crashed, I felt so sad, lost, I didn’t understand, I did everything right, except…… I went to the gym, it was my fault again? Did I make this happened?? The guilt again, my heart was just so broken, in million pieces and I was never ever going to enjoy a pregnancy again, that was set in my mind, my life just robbed me from enjoying creating a life again. 

I was so desperate that I wanted to try right away, it took me 2 months to ovulate again and then we got pregnant, I was put on progesterone and aspirin, I stopped going to the gym, I was taking the vitamins, eating healthy, but I didn’t attached myself to that pregnancy, I didn’t want my heart broken again. 6 week scan and we saw the baby and heartbeat  that was a great moment but I couldn’t enjoy it, it was like “ok, let’s just wait”. 8 week scan and the silence and quick movements started, I said “you can say it, there is no heartbeat” and the reply was a simple “I’m sorry”. I wasn’t sad, I was upset, I was angry, why did this happened to us again! 

Now I’m not only 1 in 4 which is a really sad club to be part of but I’m also part of the 1% who has 3 miscarriages or more. What a sad and lonely place to be. My daughter keeps praying and asking for a baby every single night, for her birthday her wish was a baby and is the only thing I can’t give to her. I hope the future is better but for now I just feel so alone and broken.  

- Maria