I carry my love for my baby and the grief at equal measure. My pregnancy was real and my baby was real.
No one can ever be prepared for the painful reality of losing a child. You feel like you have everything and for it to be taken away from you an instant is a traumatic and devastating experience. For 3 years My husband and I have been struggling with infertility-I have gone through tests after tests, medications, nothing was wrong with me or my husband. I ended up having a laparoscopy and it turned out I had endometriosis. After this surgery I was given hope that I had a bit of an answer and that the dreams we had prayed about would be happening soon.
After a roller coaster of ups and downs, feeling upset every month that my body wasn't working and feeling like a complete failure I had come to terms and accepted that everything would happen when they were meant to be and I genuinely felt at peace with this. 7 months after the surgery.. I was finally able to conceive.it was the 22nd of April 2023..... the happiest day of my life. we cried, we were jumping up and down because we were happy, we couldn't stop smiling... everything changed after seeing those two lines. Things got more real after my first blood test when the Nurse confirmed my pregnancy once again, the joy that flooded my heart after hearing the word "congratulations!". I loved my baby from the beginning this was something I had prepared for for so long. Everything felt perfect... I always wanted to be a mum by 30 and my 30th birthday was on the 30th of April, I couldn't wait to tell my mum she was finally going to be a grandmother.
Baby was due right before Christmas - a time all my family would be together. I tracked the babies growth everyday through my pregnancy app and everything was so exciting. But everything turned around so quickly.... on the 27th of April the bleeding started, the cramps begun, I felt like I couldn't breathe because of the pain, I had a pulsing pain in my left shoulder as if someone was stabbing me but the whole time I didn't want to accept what was happening. The pain felt bearable to me because I held on to hope that everything was going to be ok and after everything I had been through the worst would simply not happen to me. I cried myself to sleep that night in hopes that I was going to feel better the next morning and this was all just a bad dream.
The next morning I woke up with swollen eyes, tears were still rolling down my face. I was due for another blood test that morning and I was so anxious but wanted to get this blood test done as soon as possible so I could get answers.... I prayed for a miracle. When I got home I passed a massive clot... that's when we knew.. our baby was gone. I don't think I had ever cried so much in my whole entire life. My soul felt like it was ripped out of me. My reality was a nightmare. Everytime I closed my eyes to try and escape reality tears would roll down my face. That very same day we had to attend a wedding of one of our closest friends. We received the call on the way to the ceremony from the Nurse who confirmed our worst fear. My hcg levels had gone down and a miscarriage was confirmed. My heart sunk. I tried to hold back my tears on the phone I tried to stay strong but hearing the words "i'm so sorry" made everything sink in. The weight of my compounded grief from the infertility and the miscarriage absolutely crushed me. I will never every forget the heartbreak I felt on that day, I tried to force myself to stay strong but I couldn't. At the wedding I was in physical pain the whole time, I felt like crap because the day was meant to be about my friends and here I was feeling heartbroken and devastated. I am still in the process of healing.
I carry my love for my baby and the grief at equal measure. My pregnancy was real and my baby was real. It is ok to feel what you are feeling. I lost my baby at 6 weeks but my baby's life had value. The biggest thing I've come to realise through this experience is that... no matter how early... your babies life was valued and YOU are a mother to your angel baby in heaven. You are strong and you are not a failure.
For anyone reading this and going through it. You are not alone, please do not feel guilty or silly for how you feel right now. Remember we all have our unique stories and your feelings are completely valid. Be kind to yourself. I know this is easier said than done. Take your time to heal. We will get there.
- Maddy
