We'd spent 3 or 4 weeks internalising a future with a baby... where will it fit in our house? What are we going to do while we're at my friend's wedding in January? What holidays can we fit in before the birth?
I believe our miscarriage story started off fairly typical: on our first ultrasound at 7 weeks, the heartbeat was 70bpm which we were told is too low for a viable pregnancy. It was also sitting low in the womb (more on this later). Neither me nor my partner were thinking of it as a baby at that point, really, since we were aware that there are risks especially early on. That didn't at all prepare us for the shock and grief, though. We'd spent 3 or 4 weeks internalising a future with a baby... where will it fit in our house? What are we going to do while we're at my friend's wedding in January? What holidays can we fit in before the birth? My partner was also experiencing the physical side of things: her changing body, pains, sickness, dietary changes both intentional and unintentional.
Realising that all that hope and pain was for nothing... was tragic. It only took me a few days to process the immediate feelings around it, I'm more of a slow-burner. It was very hard on my partner though. She would ask questions like... what did we do wrong? Is there something we should have done to not miscarry? Is there something wrong with her/us? Are we destined to never have a baby? These are hugely anxious questions to be asking, and I imagine not uncommon, and we wish that there was more support around dealing with them. It's hard to find information, and finding/seeing a gynecologist takes time. A week felt like an eternity, we needed support immediately. Weeks later, she's still feeling that sometimes.
By the way, I'm so incredibly sad for people that lose their babies further along, with more time to internalise the future, and longer spent with a pregnant body. What an unbelievable tragedy. I appreciate it so much more now. I have a friend that had a miscarriage - one of the few that I really know, but I am sure there are more - and at the time I was like "that so sad"... but not really understanding. Now I do, and I wish that there was more that could have prepared us for this. In some way.
Anyway, we decided to get the D&C as soon as possible - especially for my partner, having a reminder of her failed pregnancy was a trauma that she had to deal with every day that she was still in pain, felt nauseous, didn't feel hungry, etc. When you're looking forward to a baby, those things are just part of the journey. Now that we knew it wasn't viable, it almost seemed like a punishment. So, we chose the surgery (D&C).
A few days later, we went to the hospital for 2nd round of testing and to verify that we were eligible to have miscarriage surgery. We learned that if the fetus has *any* detectable heartbeat then it would be considered an abortion, not a miscarriage, and we'd need to pay for it out of pocket. Thankfully, I suppose, there was no detectable heartbeat and the fetus had significantly shrunk. The surgery was booked in for the next week.
We showed up together and I was told to wait for an hour and a half. 4 hours later and I hadn't heard anything, I was getting increasingly anxious about what was happening. Eventually the doctor that did the surgery called to say that my partner had unexpectedly lost 2 litres of blood in the surgery, had to have a transfusion and various unpleasant medical devices attached, and that I'd be able to visit that night. She ended up staying in the hospital for 2 nights. Ever since she's been dealing not only with the stress of a miscarriage but also the shock of "I could have died".
It turned out that she'd had a very rare form of ectopic pregnancy - a cervical ectopic pregnancy. That first ultrasound, which found the pregnancy to be low in the uterus, probably saw that it was right at the border of the womb and cervix, but not actually *in* the cervix. They just didn't think to mark it as that, because they're so rare, and apparently cervical ectopic pregnancies are usually more obvious.
3 weeks later, my partner is still feeling the effects - cramping and bleeding... and anxiety. It took her over a week to recover from the more debilitating effects like fatigue and heavier bleeding and significant anxiety, while still having pregnancy soreness. We've been back to emergency once and the EPAS clinic twice more for follow ups, testing hormone levels, etc, to make sure that all of the tissue has been removed. Last time we went, it hadn't. We're hoping - and optimistic - that it'll happen naturally.
- Ben