Dialog Box

The Pink Elephants Support Network

You are not alone. My story of miscarriage and trying to conceive.

You are not alone. My story of miscarriage and trying to conceive.

The hormone drop made me so emotional. I drank a lot of wine after that experience and cried A LOT. After I processed it all, I put myself back together and said, "lets try again".

My name is Melanie. I am 34yrs old and I live in Sydney with my fiance, Mark. We started trying to conceive naturally in feb 2022. I was pretty pro-active - I went and did all the checks and blood tests to see if I had any issues. Mark did as well. It turns out I was okay but we discovered he had low sperm count - specifically persistantly low morphology and motility. It was disheartening. We had been trying for 9 months and we decided to go see a fertility specialist. She said it was possible for us to conceive naturally but it would only be a 3-5% chance every month. I am insecure about my age. I am still working on that. We decided not to beat around the bush. So in April this year (2023) we decided to go on the IVF journey. I could not even imagine how challenging this journey would be. At the same time, its been very interesting and educational. In some strange way, I've enjoyed the experience and hated it at the same time. Total paradox I know. 

I took all the injections each night, I went to the hospital and we did the egg retrieval. We got 8 embryo's out. A month after that, I did the frozen embryo transfer and it worked. But at 8 weeks, we discovered there was no heartbeat. We were devastated. I ended up going to the emergency room and had a miscarriage which came out naturally. My mum, my dad and Mark were with me. The hormone drop made me so emotional. I drank a lot of wine after that experience and cried A LOT. After I processed it all, I put myself back together and said, "lets try again". 

2nd transfer happened. It didn't stick. A month later did the Third transfer and it worked. But my first scan, only a few days ago saw that there was just an empty sack. the cells didn't divide. So now I am just waiting for this miscarriage to pass. With IVF - its emotionally and financially taxing. Mark and I are not wealthy. We still rent. But we are stable and had savings. But they're dwindling after this experience. I still believe its worth it. Its easy to want to give up, but I am going to keep going. It an investment in my opinion. I don't want to sound morbid, but I don't want to die without having a child in this life of mine. I believe that I would be a good mother who could instill good values into my child. I think they could make the world a better place. I know that sounds corny, but I do. I would give them so much love and so many hugs and kisses all the time. I get reassured that I am still young and there are woman in their late 30's, early 40's having their first kids. I know I shouldn't compare, but my younger sister had her first at 31 and is having her 2nd in December. I am envious. But i have to remind myself, just because one aspect of a person's life comes easily, they may be struggling in other areas of their life. I accept that when this does work for us I will be 35/36. And that's okay. 

I am a very open and honest person. Sometimes too honest - I speak about my miscarriages freely. I dont feel like it is anything to be ashamed of. Lets not stigmatise it. In saying this, I know its not true, but i cant help but feel like i failed. This is just how I feel. I am completely aware that i havent failed at anything! But i do feel like that sometimes. I cant seem to see the light at the end. But i keep going. So if I keep going, that must mean I do have a part of me that has hope. Through this experience I have gained so much more respect for women. They are amazing creatures. I get sad sometimes. 

IVF has affected my life in positive and negative ways so far. I mean, its affected my ability to do my job effectively. I still manage to get it done. I haven't been able to go see my best friend in Brisbane this year because I'm always getting blood tests and going for appointments. IVF is a huge commitment and is not for the faint hearted. I also recognise how lucky I am. It is easy to focus on the negative side of things, but when I look and think of the positives in my life, I feel better. I have a partner and family who love me. I'm not alone in this world. its actually really nice to type this out. its like a weight off my shoulders. I took the day off work today. I am lucky they are so flexible with me. I was just open with them and told the HR department I'm having a miscarriage and I need to deal with this. There is special leave in Australia we are all eligible to receive if we have a miscarriage. Don't use your sick leave or annual leave. There is compassionate leave and special leave, specifically for when you have a miscarriage. This has been good for me to type out and it doesn't matter if anyone reads this or doesn't read this. Its helped me. Who knows how it will end, but i believe everything will come together in the end. 

As I said earlier, I have always had respect for women, but I have even more respect for women after going through my 2 miscarriages. I dont think men could survive what we do :P We are amazing. I'm so proud of myself and all those women who have gone through this miscarriage BS and still find the strength to keep going. You are an inspiration to me. 

- Melanie