Dr Sarah Jane - Pink Elephants Ambassador
My name is Dr Sarah Jane Perri and as a new ambassador for Pink Elephants, I thought that it would be best to share my ‘why’ and therefore- a pretty personal part of my life.
I have experienced challenges that I never really could have anticipated (like I am sure everyone has in life ). These challenges have strongly shaped who I am today. This has led me to want to become involved with Pink Elephants.
Miscarriage is a topic that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough, and still has a sense of stigma and failure attached to it as a modern woman.
For me, it’s been an incredibly difficult journey- there really was a ‘me’ before my miscarriages, and a different ‘me’ after my miscarriages. After going through five recurrent miscarriages, I found myself in the rare 1% of women facing this heart and soul breaking experience repeatedly-without the happy ending or so called ‘rainbow’ baby.
It wasn't an issue of getting pregnant or pregnant with a chromosomally healthy baby (which is the most common discussion in the infertility world).. and was something I was told time and time again- that was supposed to be some attempt at being reassuring, but rather an inability to carry a pregnancy to term which regardless still meant that I was empty armed and at a serious loss (as well as deemed a challenging case by specialists) for understanding why this was occurring. That unique type of loss is difficult to explain to others because it’s often misunderstood, and followed up with invasive questions that usually make you feel worse about the situation but also yourself as a woman. The constant hope and then disappointment, from seeing positive pregnancy tests and then losing that hope (I would test obsessively and slowly see the pregnancy lines begin to fade and fade until they were nothing)—but these instead left a mark on me that I still carry every single day.
One of the hardest aspects for me was finding out that my losses were due to a 100% DQ alpha match with my ex partner, meaning that my body was treating our embryos like they were a threat to my system (similar to a cancer cell being detected by your immune system) and is in an extremely niche and debated area called reproductive immunology.
The feeling of knowing that my own body could not sustain a pregnancy with the person that I loved (but could someone else) was overwhelming.
We explored so many different paths—IVF, surrogacy (with DQ Alpha matches there is an incompatibility between the uterus and the sperm- meaning your options to have a child are surrogacy or sperm donor, and also meaning if you had a different partner you could carry the baby)—but with every step forward came another hurdle and/or another loss. Even after undergoing the emotional and legal process for surrogacy, we were met with further complications when my sister in law (who was meant to be our surrogate) developed a health condition of her own and we did not want her going through the IVF process as a result.
Alongside this, I was also caring for my mother, who at the time of my fourth miscarriage had suddenly slipped into a coma due to an extremely rare autoimmune brain disease (ADEM). The emotional weight of trying to hold onto hope for both my pregnancies and my mother’s health at the same time was indescribable and has forever changed me as a human being. It felt like I was grieving for many things—my unborn children, the old version of myself, my marriage and the mother I once knew.
As someone who typically faces life’s challenges somewhat head on, this period of my life pushed me to my absolute limit. It felt like every day was a new test of strength and was about something I didn’t want to be strong about.
The grief and feeling of injustice was so all encompassing that even simple things, like going to the shops at school pick up time would be a real challenge for myself.
The emotional toll extended beyond just me, it affected my relationships as well as every other aspect of my life (mentally, physically, spiritually, financially and socially). Grief is isolating and people process it in such different ways. In the end, my marriage couldn’t survive the weight of all the loss.
For a long time, I was so disappointed and I felt like there was very little support available for women going through what I did. I often found myself in medical waiting rooms, sitting next to pregnant women while silently grieving the babies I had lost. The emotional care in the medical world, especially around miscarriage felt like it was lacking (maybe due to its commonality usually, but mine was a different story) and that added to the isolation and heartbreak of feeling like I didn’t matter in that world. I was just a number, just a statistic, just the 1%. I also this year decided to freeze my eggs which brought up a lot of emotion and required three rounds of egg retrievals (I ask believe that I postponed this process as a result of what I had already been through on my journey and the medical trauma on top of it all).
Becoming an ambassador for Pink Elephants felt and feels like a natural step for me. I want to use my voice to help raise awareness of reproductive immunology issues and offer support to other women who have experienced similar losses and felt like they were alone, like they could never be happy again, that can’t picture their future or ask ‘why me?’
I know how lonely this journey can feel, in fact if I’m honest/ I still feel it and I also know that it doesn’t have to be faced alone. There’s an immense strength in community, in knowing that there are others who understand (someone who actually knows the pain) and in finding support from those who have walked the path.
Through this role I really hope to contribute to the conversation around recurrent miscarriage and help bring about a better understanding of the emotional and physical toll it takes and continues to take. I want women to feel seen, heard and supported, not just medically but emotionally as well- you matter.
Connect with Dr Sarah Jane via social media here.
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For those currently struggling with the pain of miscarriage or early pregnancy loss, Pink Elephants offers a range of support online and over the phone.
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