They say 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. 1 in 4 took on a different meaning to me after my last loss – it meant only 1 in 4 of my pregnancies resulted in a baby in my arms to take home. I will never forget those 3 angels my body housed, even if it was for a very short period of time.
Hi, my name is Ashleigh, mum of one gorgeous baby boy earth side, and I’m here to share my story. As many of you here know, miscarriage is a terrible, grief ridden experience that will never leave you.
My experience with miscarriage began in December 2015 (8-10 weeks). I was on my honeymoon. My husband and I married in March 2015 and decided to delay our honeymoon so we could do a 5 week trip to the USA/Mexico and it was going to be the trip of a lifetime. It turned into that in a way we never would have thought.
Our first stop was Las Vegas. I was told by my GP that my period could be a few days late due to air travel. I had packed a pregnancy test just in case as we were in a foreign country and I thought ‘just in case’. Three days later, we found out we were pregnant with our first baby. We were overjoyed! Thrilled to say the least. My husband and I have always wanted a family as we both come from very family oriented backgrounds.
There were no doctor’s appointments or anything as I figured I would wait until I got home to see my regular GP and we would go from there! About 2.5 weeks later we were in Orlando at Disneyworld. I remember breaking down, I was a bubbling mess and crying, telling my husband, ‘I don’t know how I know, but something isn’t right.’ The next day we were out shopping and I was in excruciating pain and could no longer stand to walk. From this point on it is all a blur. I remember going to the hotel bathroom and looking down and seeing what had happened – after that it was a ride in the ambulance followed by hours at the hospital. I struggle to remember the rest of the honeymoon as I think my brain decided to block out the pain…the whole period should be blocked out.
Since this I have had another miscarriage in May 2017 (6 weeks), a pregnancy which I carried to full term and received my blessing of a boy in April 2018, and another miscarriage in June 2019 (6 weeks).
That last miscarriage was by far the hardest. I even had someone say to me when I told them I was pregnant and scared for what was to come, “Oh, well let me know when you lose this one and I will be there for you.” This person was only told because I am close to them as I was so early, needless to say I was not expecting that response from them.
Before my full term pregnancy, we were in fertility treatment for a good year and a half (hence the whole of 2016 we went without any success of falling pregnant even with treatments). I decided to take a break once we had our miscarriage in May 2017 because I really doubted whether my heart could deal with the ache of falling pregnant and losing another angel. I believe giving my body that chance to reset is what blessed me with my son.
Did I enjoy my full term pregnancy? Probably not. I was too busy analysing every little thing from too little symptoms to too many and everything in between! I think that is something all women who endure a miscarriage go through – we lose our innocence because we know and have experienced things that can go wrong and that carries a lot of self blame with it. Even when my son was born and I held him in my arms, I was so worried something would go wrong and it would be my fault. Was I feeding him enough? Was I being a good enough mother to him? Am I doing this right?
My husband and I are on the quest for a second baby now – we would love our son to have a sibling. It’s going to be a battle, whether we fall pregnant right away or whether it’s a struggle for us again is unknown but we will face those issues when (and if) they arise.
They say 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. 1 in 4 took on a different meaning to me after my last loss – it meant only 1 in 4 of my pregnancies resulted in a baby in my arms to take home. I will never forget those 3 angels my body housed, even if it was for a very short period of time.
As women we need to support and help hold each other up in these times of grief and struggle and I think Pink Elephants is a great organisation for doing that.
Hold each other high Ladies (and men) xx
By, Ashleigh
